No assembly RequireD

There is almost an impressive element to the lack of care Sony has for its comic book movies. The studio who continues to hang onto its main Spider-Man property with a loose spider web, Sony is so hellbent on keeping their main attraction (who could blame them) that they sacrifice every film that allows them to keep the webslinger in the first place. While never officially confirmed (but heavily rumored) the Sony/Disney/Marvel agreement has led many to assume that Sony must put out several Spider-Man or universe properties a year or they risk the loss of IP ownership. While none of us where in the room, nor will they ever admit what the agreement speculates, it has become clear that with their main focus on the ongoing Tom Holland series as Peter Parker they have allowed everything else to run rampant which is one but a major reason for yet another abysmal comic book film with MADAME WEB. A film much like 2022’s “Morbius” is more destined for cult status, midnight screenings where audience laugh through every line and just another reminder that while superhero movie fatigue may not be fully existent but studios continue to make it harder to give a damn about any of these lazy attempts to undermine audiences intelligence (or at least their attention span). MADAME WEB may not be the worst comic book movie out there, but it is in the same company and without question one of the most forgettable. MADAME WEB may be heavily inspired by the notion of stopping a deadly future but there is no doubt in your mind while watching this that here is a film that has been killed off long before it even hit theaters.

Cassandra Web (Dakota Johnson) hates her mother. In her memories she was abandoned by her mother Constance (Kery Bishé), a scientist who spent her years researching mysterious spiders in the Amazon. Now a York City Paramedic Cassie keeps a distance from anyone who tries to get close to her which includes her co-worker Ben Parker (Adam Scott playing yes that Ben Parker), and especially any children that try to thank her for saving their parents. Cassie is good at her job, but after a near death experience she begins to have fragment hallucinations that is until she starts to see that they are showing her pieces of a possible future. Like most origin stories MADAME WEB is obsessed with the discovering of powers storyline, but for those familiar with the comics know that Cassie who eventually becomes Web is a much older lady with strong psychic abilities. Physically Johnson displays nothing of her comic’s counterpart (which is fine!) but it does became clear that this is a film that has little idea how to get their hero from A to eventual B. Instead they saddle Cassie with a storyline of giving us a sneak peek at three other would be superheroes but still very much teenage girls who also have no idea of their possible future. There is Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced) and Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’ Connor). All who in the comic book world will eventually became their own version of Spider-Woman. We see this early on in a vison not from Cassie but instead Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) a mysterious and deadly man who worked with Cassie’s mother in the amazon but was the real hands behind her death. Sims having gained spider like abilities from those pesky Peruvian spiders now believes these three young girls will eventually be his demise and seeks out to kill them. It is his visions of their future where director S.J. Clarkson gets to sow off what much of the internet came to see. Spider-Woman in her full regalia. There is almost a humorous element to (slight spoiler) how little of the Spider-Women costumes you get to see. It is as if Clarkson along with the film’s five (yes five) writers knew Sydney Sweeney in a spandex suit was enough to get butts into theaters so why not then play the ultimate bait and switch. If nothing else it is the film’s best (and possibly unintentional) joke.

MADAME WEB spends most of its time explaining and giving glimpses not just of Cassie and the girl’s future but also a possible future for the audience if they care enough. Its “Final Destination” inspired sequences can be exciting at first but mixed together with some nauseating editing and even more eye roll dialogue there is never anything that gets you caught up in its web. For a movie about eventually becoming a superhero nobody has any powers and instead becomes a two hour cat and mouse chase where even the villain is nothing but a post production side job. Seriously even Rahim’s dialogue of Sim’s is almost all ADR work and none of it is in sync. It doesn’t help that this is a film where even the bare minimum seems to be too much. Its cast of young talent can be exciting especially with now mega star Sweeney and Merced and O’ Connor slowly breaking out. But all three actresses are given offensively derivative roles that are quite miscast. Sweeney is laughable as the shy and innocent Julia who wears big eye glasses like she is in a John Hughes movie and we will eventually realize how pretty she is once they are taken off. O’ Connor the rebellious but spoiled Mattie never gains empathy but rather frustration While Merced’s Anya Corazon is given the worst backstory in that being the one Hispanic in the film whose sole arc is that she is scared for her father to get deported. A father who mind you is never even on screen. The film is set in 2003 and boy does its writing sure feel like it. There are moments of levity involving Cassie now having to take on the mother role and a playful dance turned to fight scene all to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Toxic” but much like the entirety of the film it is all glimpses int something better if anyone both in front and behind the camera seemed to care.

It would be cruel to blame MADAME WEB for being the first comic book film to be just a tease of the future, but even other obnoxious Marvel films know to give something to hold onto. We are meant to care for the three teenage girls and assume they will eventually harbor the ‘with great power comes great responsibility” mantle but when they spend nearly the entirety of the film running away from what they may become you sort of feel like doing the same thing. There is a part of you that may want to give praise to a comic book film that doesn’t need tm spend every minute leading up to a big wearing of the suit moment but MADAME WEB keeps reminding you that it is coming and to care. So when it never actually does not is it lazy but it feels downright cruel to have you sit around. Is this a film about Cassie becoming a mother to these girls? Fine but all four actors can’t play off one another to save their possible ending lives. Is it a movie to just tease a possible new version of Peter Parker? Shoving Mary Parker (Emma Roberts) in there sure seems like it but even that is cut short in post. Or maybe this is just a film to let Johnson who already has a reputation for lack of caring to collect a check and go on an endless press tour of “I don’t give a fuck about Marvel” attitude. After all that seems to be where a lot of people are heading towards. So maybe MADAME WEB really is just that required film to keep Spider-Man alive for Sony and they have no problem with a sacrifice here or there. Maybe much like Madame Web herself they see a disastrous future if they don’t step in, a future where it is easier to let others fall then lose their golden child. For them it’s a future worth fighting for, but at this rate there may be nothing left once it’s all said and done and their fate has already been sealed.

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MADAME WEB IS NOW IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE