No assembly RequireD

When a remake for Road House was announced it was met with the amount of online groans that you’d expect. Die hard fans of the original scared that their precious 80’s film and memories would be tarnished was front and center. And while nostalgia can create an obnoxious amount of false fear of their youth being ruined it diverts from the real fear at and; that the movie may absolutely suck. Doug Liman’s ROAD HOUSE remake is not just a lifeless modern adaptation of the 1989 Patrick Swayze led film it is above all that just another example of lazy filmmaking that much like the streaming service it’s dumped on feels more intent on being a product that an actual film. Something to enjoy or be annoyed by but then quickly toss it away as fast as one of your Amazon packages. In normal times it would be called a cash grab but it can’t even be called that instead it is reduced to a small screen that will be on the background of countless frat houses during pre-games but never actually consumed. It is not about putting down a film for enjoyments sake (very little enjoyment comes from it) but rather that it is a film that grows increasingly frustrating when its dives slower into autopilot. A film that punches with little strength but still leaves you feeling beaten up bothered by the fact these remakes not only exist but come around with such little care. It’s enough to make you want to hire your own bouncer to toss any filmmaker who delivers these kinds of films out on their ass.

Dalton (Jake Gyllenhaal) does not even have to throw a punch and he already wins the fight. Entering in an underground cage match he slumps in donning a black hoodie, black boots and plenty of ripped abs. But one look that it is him and his opponent immediately calls the fight (the opponent in question here is a laughable Post Malone). Dalton is no drifter this time around but instead a former UFC middleweight fighter running away from a violent past fight. Gyllenhaal an actor whose career has touched almost every genre feels like a good fit for taking on the iconic role infamously brought to life by Patrick Swayze’s charm and swagger. Theres the silent type he brings to the role as an almost “man with no name” type guy that is until he is pushed to talk where he becomes less stoic and more of a wily Spider-Man with quick whips and a slight humorous apologetic attitude towards anyone he has to beat up. This comes in handy when he is hired by Frankie (Jessica Williams) to move down to the Florida Keys to help keep out the dangerous customers that come and destroy her local road house bar simply named “The Road House.” It is shame that the the Florida Keys becomes a character itself in the film because clearly nobody working on the film has ever actually been to the keys and it doesn’t help the film’s location clearly is not the Keys. (the film was shot in the Dominican Republic). The Road House Dalton finds is full of young attractive people that all feel more like Instagram motorcycle models than the actual horny divorcees that run the Keys. Yes this adaptation is meant for a new generation, but you’re telling me Anthony Bagarozzi’s dull script never called for a drunk middle aged woman trying to dance with Dalton or some old washed up man try to pick a fight with Dalton as a Jimmy Buffet tribute band plays in the back. If you’re going to be Road House and not take yourself to seriously than at least find a way to have fun with your surroundings.

For anyone familiar with the original “Road House” or just knows action genres can assume that Dalton is going to find himself in a much bigger and deadlier situation than he can imagine. It isn’t long before his bouncer skills reaches the ears of local rich boy wannabe gangster Ben Brandt (Billy Magnussen) who trying to move out of the shadows of his imprisoned father sends his group of thugs to stop Dalton at any cost. An action movie where Gyllenhaal ahs to just beat up a new wave of bad guys every night is actually a film that sounds more than worth watching if only Doug Liman and his stunt team didn’t make the action so unmemorable. Using nauseating camera movements and a new blend of fighting involving what can be deemed as a “four pass method” where the performer actually only hits off screen pads and then the camera digital inserts the performers or uses a new angle well yea it is as exhausting and unneeded as it sounds. The argument for it is the obvious of keeping their performers and lead star safe which is never something to go against, but it is a bizarre argument only in the sense that real life stunt teams are capable of doing these things and the insert of CGI into fighting that does not involve superheroes or blue aliens just feels like a way to avoid the hard work that so many stunt performers train to do and be paid for. Yes the stunt team is still being used but to recreate their hard work with digital inserts and POV camera shots just becomes too tiring too fast for a film that’s rooted in bare knuckle fighting. The film also does not benefit from the fact that when the camera does stay on Gyllenhaal for his fight scenes it has never been more obvious that a stunt man is being used as anytime “Gyllenhaal” gets knocked down its an entirely different forty year old man on screen for you to see.

ROAD HOSUE is the type of film far too many argue that any criticism against it is invalid because critics do not know how to have fun, but it is tough to “win” that fight when even the movie itself never knows how to let loose. Gyllenhaal is on autopilot and his charming smile wears thin as there is little personality to back it up here. Daniela Melchior who won over so many musophobias with her charming portrayal of Ratcatcher 2 in “The Suicide Squad” is given nothing but a damsel in distress role meant to come off as strong and independent (a hard sell when Dalton literally has to save her from being kidnapped) and its on slew of dangerous but gullible henchman are a dime a dozen. All this stands out more when Connor McGregor (yes the UFC superstar) enters as the insane Knox. McGregor is not delivering a star making performance but damn is he enjoying every second of his screentime in a film begging for someone to have some wild fun. McGregeor enters like a full steam roll (butt ass naked I may add) strutting and waddling like the most confident Irish penguin to the point where anytime he does a little dance you half expect him to breakout into some sort of “Happy Feet” song and number. It’s a hysterical and absurd performance that unfortunately shows what the rest could have been.

A lot has been said about the unfortunate dumping of ROAD HOUSE onto amazon’s streaming service, and while yes all films deserve the big screen not all big screen films deserve praise. That is what ROAD HOUSE is another reminder that no film is safe from being just tossed aside to a streaming service but ROAD HOSUE itself feels like one of those films destined to just be thrown on and forgotten about. A film that never throws a worthy punch and instead feels beaten up from the moment it starts all the way to its out of shape last breath.

D+

ROAD HOUSE IS NOW STREAMING ON PRIME VIDEO